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Blocs For All

"If I can't piss myself laughing, I don't want to be part of your revolution." — J. E. Hoover

Protests have become increasingly boring in recent years. Property damage without panache, violence without style, not to mention the monotonous chants, and cliches on sticks.

For Quebec City 2001, many affinity groups will be adding a touch of zanyness to the revolution. For those who yawn every time they see yet another Black Bloc, the Deconstructionist Institute for Surreal Topology presents this brief list of alternatives, to help spark discussion and inject a bit of creativity and derisive laughter into the mix.

Medieval Bloc: Who wants to see a bunch of punks ripping down a fence. If the MAN is gonna turn Quebec City into a fortress, the Medieval Bloc will lay siege with gusto. Beautiful battering rams, ladders, catapults, and dead cows infected with the plague. Swords, shields, and funny hats with horns. Watch out for those cauldrons of hot oil.

Circus Cluster: What's a Carnival against Capitalism without clowns? A tiny car drives up to the perimeter, and stops. 34 clowns emerge — one for each country. The Amazing Human Cannonball is fired into the perimeter and miraculously lands, unharmed. A bloc of stilt walkers step gingerly over the wall, while the fire-jugglers distract the riot troops. Trampolines, tight ropes and unicycles come in handy, and the Figbash Acrobat works the high-top. Victory will go to those with the biggest shoes.

Country Club Cluster: Throwing bottles and rocks over a fence? Ugh. The Association of Anarchist Golfers are very well dressed, in baggy pants, long socks, and colourful shirts. Damn those golf balls go far! The Bjorn Borg Bloc play a bit of tennis, and the Badminton Bloc hit their cocks to the crowds delight. The Squash Bloc's protective eye glasses are a handy item.

Bonnehomme Bloc: Ten people dressed up as everyone's favorite Carnival Mascot. Bonnehomme's huge belly provides great protection. Traumatize Quebec children with images of Bonnehomme getting truncheoned and kicked by riot police.

Gary Coleman Bloc: Thirty tiny black kids with afros continually approach riot police and ask "Whatchya talkin' 'bout Willis?"

Rebel Alliance: Use the force to walk right past the storm troopers. Wiggle your fingers and say "You don't need to see our identification." The Ewok Block uses vines and traps to outwit the Empire. A gaggle of Yodas run amok, saying enigmatic phrases such as "hmm, secret is the text." Twenty Wookies can't be wrong.

Donut Bloc: Please don't feed the cops. Those jelly rolls make great looking splats.

Anarchist Yachting Association: Row up the St. Laurence in a fleet of rubber dingys. Then up to the Planes of Abraham to kick French butt - just like last time.

Fuscia Bloc: Dressed in tights, and pink tutus, the Fuscia Bloc's sole role is to follow the Black Bloc and tease them mercilessly. A performance of Swan Lake in front of a row of riot cops entertains the crowd.

Nerf Bloc: While we at the Institute hate to support any particular brand, we must admit that the Nerf possibilities are endless. Let's face it, the revolution will have to be sponsored by someone. Play safe!

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